Archive for the “Cooking and Liquor” Category

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I like coffee.  Coffee is a tree native to South America, and the seeds of the tree make a popular beverage known for it’s stimulant qualities.  It’s such a useful stimulant that just about every country with enough economically-feasible land for growing coffee trees has at least a little of their own now*.  The idea is to get the little hard seed out of the fruit, roast it, grind up the roasted bean, steep it in boiling water or blast it with steam, and then add milk and honey.
Think about all the machinery and technology involved with making this bitter boiled bean juice.  I mean, really?  REALLY?  Coffee tech involves roasters and toasters and antique brass expresso makers and yeah, I’m old enough to remember the 5 O’Clock Coffee grinder at the end of every check-out aisle at the A & P Grocery Store.

The chemistry of the active ingredients is well known.  Caffeine, another one of those handy xanthine derivatives from the botanicals of South America, is the main base stimulant.  The organic botanical nature of the base ingredient creates a brazillion (pun intended) different mixtures of oils and bitter alkaloids which can be prepared in so many different ways, the culture of coffee preparation and consumption rivals many complex foodstuff lifecycles.  It’s not just about the caffeine, caffeine is available over the counter from discount pharmaceutical supply merchants at a fraction of the cost of coffee, and yet saturated overkill location coffee product franchises continue to post profits from the sale of their highly fashionable and pragmatically socialized boiled bean juice mixtures.

As usual, I’ve sought ways to amplify a good thing into a fantastic thing.  I believe I have succeeded.  Let’s take this consumable but otherwise slightly sub-miraculous bean brew and add another known complex chemistry family… alcohol.

Mixing stimulants and depressants?  Nothing new here.  This is a pretty mild form of dosing which I credit Shelton and Mavrides with terming “Crisis Crank”.  Not sure what, but something is going to happen.

This is my Saturday morning coffee.    I use a generous sized shot glass and proportion thusly:

  • 1 part Cointreu (or Gran Marnier), French orange flavored liqueur
  • 3-4 parts Bailey’s Irish Cream (I recommend the regular flavor, but the Mint Chocolate, Caramel, and other flavor variants are tasty)
  • 2 parts Frangelico (Italian Hazelnut liqueur)
  • 2 parts Kahlua (Mexico)
  • fill remainder of adequate vessel with strong coffee


* I’m pretty sure that Antarctica still has to import coffee

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Italian canned anchovies
Mario ‘party stuffer’ pitted empty olives
Hendrick’s Gin

Dump the olives in a big bowl and pour off the water.  Open the anchovies and pour off the liquid. Optionally, chop the anchovies two or three times.  Grasp an olive in one hand, and an anchovy in the other, and shove the fish into the olives.  Put the olives back in the jar.

Put a big slanty triangular martini glass into the freezer.  Pour the cheapest possible white vermouth over ice, shake once, pour off most/all of the vermouth (to taste).  Pour in Hendricks, cap and shake hard (gin is evil, beat it up) for 30 seconds (hum Jeopardy!).  Strain into cold glass.  Add two or three olives on a toothpick.  Let melt slightly, when the temperature is correct for drinking, both the olive and anchovy oils with become translucent in droplets floating on top. Femtoscopic microcosms will be evolving in your hand, so hold carefully and sip slowly.  May cause hallucinations, convulsions, conniption fits, death, out of body experiences, kundalini enlightenment, elephantiasis of the genitals, and/or intoxication.

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And now… continuing our “Caveman’s Guide to Pie” series, here is a recipe for a big pile of cute little pig pies. That is, pies that contain ground pig. Or cow. Or buffalo, chicken, goat, sheep, fish, or shrimp. Or wild boar, rattlesnake, bear, pheasant, quail, or eels. I don’t recommend this recipe for ground turtle meat. I can’t tell you why, it involves a personally traumatic childhood experience with a BB gun and Mr. Snappy. But I’m over it now. Really.

I salute to James’s Hand-Made Potsticker Recipe, the recipe here is pretty much my implementation of the Liu Family recipe.  It’s an excellent web page and obviously has deep wonderful family roots, something I value greatly here at Caveman Recipes Inc.  I’ve also taken a few tips from who had a egg noodle dough which was typical of other sites.

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How to make pie good enough for cave man.

Fruit pies

This is for a full pie crust, for just the bottom shell, use 1/2 of these amounts:

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
2 Tablespoons sugar
3/4 cup (a stick and a half) unsalted butter
1/2 cup lard
6 – 8 Tablespoons ice water

Into a large clean bowl completely free of cat hair sift the flour, salt, and sugar.  Cut the butter and lard into the flour mixture with a pastry blender.  Add 6 Tablespoons of ice water, add up to 2 more until the dough comes together.  Use the pasty blender as much as possible, chop the dough… don’t knead it (this is not a pizza, you want it soft and flaky).  When mixed, cut into two lumps and chill.  Then you can make the filling:


4 cups (1 quart) fresh pitted cherries
1 3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon mace
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
2 1/2 Tablespoons quick tapioca
1/3 cup chilled unsalted butter


4 cups (1 quart) fresh blueberries
1 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon mace
1 Tablespoon lemon juice (half a lemon)
2 1/2 Tablespoons quick tapioca
1/3 cup chilled unsalted butter


4 cups (1 quart) fresh cleaned strawberries
1 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
2 1/2 Tablespoons quick tapioca
1/3 cup chilled unsalted butter

Yes, I’m kidding.

Combine the fruit, sugar, spices and extracts, and tapioca in a bowl, chill and let stand for 20 minutes.

You’re halfway done.  Go pee.  Have a cigarette.  Wash your hands again, with soap this time.  Take a break before flouring up the counter and a rolling pin.

Roll out the crust and line a 9 – 10 inch deep pan, fill with the uh… filling… stuff.  Dot the top with the butter, you don’t have to use up all of it.  Add top crust, crimp the edges very high, cut steam vent holes (carve “HARE” on top  Get it?  Hare Pie.  Nyuk nyuk nyuk).

For top crust pies, bake on top of a cookie sheet covered with metal foil in a hot oven at 425 degrees Fahrenheit for 1 hour.  Allow to cool completely before serving.  Fruit pies will keep pretty well out of the refrigerator for a week or more if covered with foil and you washed your hands well enough while making it.


1 pound of meat (bison, lamb, turkey, beef, camel, wildebeest, kangaroo)
1 small or 1/2 large yellow onion, chopped
2 large cloves of garlic, chopped
1 Tablespoon oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon thyme
1/4 teaspoon rosemary
1/4 teaspoon sage
1/4 teaspoon powdered mustard

a few small red or gold potatoes
1/2 rutabaga
1/2 parsnip
1 cup milk (or 1/2 cup cream and 1/2 cup water)
2 Tablespoons cornstarch

Brown meat in a large skillet with the onion, garlic, oil and spices.  Dice the vegetables and add to skillet, add milk and cornstarch.  Stir while cooking for 10 – 15 minutes while the hard tubers soften some, you don’t want to cook them completely.  Turn off heat, let sit while rolling out a top crust (note: you may wish to use salted butter in this crust… just for meat pies).  Bake at 425 degrees Fahrenheit for 1 hour (until it’s bubbling through the vents).  Serve with homemade tomato ketchup, horseradish, and premium soy sauce.

Cream Pies

NOTE: if you found this recipe because you were looking for porn, sorry!

Cream pies are a little different, you only make half the crust (there’s no top) and bake the crust before filling (425 degrees Fahrenheit for 15 – 20 minutes).  There’s some tricks to this… since there’s no filling, the crust will tend to shrink and bubble up in the middle, so pie weights will be useful.  The order of operation is very different from that of a fruit pie… you need the baked pie crust complete and ready to go before you start on the pudding mixture.  This is when it might be tempting to get a store-bought pie crust.  Don’t DO it, MAN!! You can make this.

Select zero or more of the following base ingredients:
3 bananas
1 cup shredded coconut
3 – 5 oz sweet or semi-sweet chocolate (or Nutella)
1/2 cup citrus fruit juice and zest from the rind

2 cups whole milk
1 cup cream
1/4 cup flour
2 Tablespoons corn starch
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 egg yolks (bruised and beaten)
1 tsp vanilla

In a medium saucepan, bring the milk and cream to almost a boil (‘scald’ it), stir constantly to avoid skimming.  Don’t use a double boiler here, it won’t quite get hot enough to scald the milk, and so the filling won’t thicken properly.

  • If you’re making a citrus pie, add the zest to the milk before scalding, and then afterward let it steep for a few minutes before straining out the zest bits.
  • If you are using chocolate, melt it first, then slowly add the milk and cream.

Sift the flour, cornstarch, sugar, and salt, add to the milk while stirring constantly.

  • Extra salt is optional for a citrus pie.
  • If you want to use coconut or Nutella, add that to the mixture now as well.

Whisk the egg yolks.

  • If you’re making  citrus pie, add the juice to the egg yolks.

Spoon some of the hot milk pudding mixture into the egg yolks and stir, then add the yolks to the mixture (don’t just dump the egg yolks into the hot pudding) and cook a few more minutes.  It should be getting really thick and smell really good.  Taste it (don’t burn your mouth) and add more sugar if needed, especially with semi-sweet chocolate.

  • Add the vanilla last if used.  Skip the vanilla for  a citrus pie.\
  • Use a pinch of chili powder instead of vanilla for a chocolate pie.
  • If you use bananas, spoon a little of the pudding into the bottom of the pie crust, then add bananas slices, and then spoon on more pudding.
  • Otherwise, use a spatula and pour the pudding mixture into the crust.

Once that’s done, chill and chill out.  You can’t just pop the hot shell and filling in the fridge, but from here on out, COOL is what you need.  When it’s not quite so hot, then put it in the refrigerator.

If you add a lot of base ingredients, you might need to reduce the amounts, it will make a lot, but you can always just pour the remainder into pudding cups.  Cream pies have milk and egg and so they won’t keep out of the refrigerator, they have to be chilled.  Some recipes call for additional baking, I don’t recommend this.

You can leave the pie unadorned, top with whipped cream, or…  did you save the egg whites?  Good!  Make meringue:

4 egg whites
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar (optional)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup powdered sugar

Adding the sugar slowly, beat with a high-speed electric mixer until you get soft peaks, this can take 20 – 30 minutes.  When the pie is cool, plop gobs of foam onto the top of the pie with a big spoon and broil (on high) in an oven 5 minutes until the meringue is golden brown… don’t walk away from this, or you’ll burn the meringue and the pie will get all runny.

It’s done.  Let it cool.  Don’t put it in the refrigerator while still warm, or it will get runny.  When it’s no longer warm (call it an hour), THEN put it in the refrigerator and chill out for at least 2 more hours, and while waiting don’t get any Soupy Sales ideas.

General tips for making PIE:

  • Don’t use any ingredients that aren’t at least 100 years old.  Not the actual item (ewww!), the invention of the ingredient… people have been eating pie for a very very long time, you don’t need anything exotic or new to make any of these.  Pie good for cave man!
  • Heart Smart warning: This will kill you.  Do not serve this to people without notifying them that this is real pie, and therefore crammed, jammed, and packed with real fat.
  • This is not a beginner course on cooking and baking, but it’s not difficult.  If you’ve ever put together a piece of tube frame recreational equipment for your kids in the back yard on Christmas Eve, you have the skills necessary to make a pie.
  • Use organic ingredients whenever possible.  Butter, milk, sugar, eggs, flour, and fruit can all be bought organic.  Your body will thank you for it.  Don’t be fooled by the word ‘natural’, natural is not organic.  The word ‘natural’ (as applied to food in the USA) has come to be meaningless at the consumer level through lobbying by the food industry.  Arsenic is ‘natural’.  Read the labels on the ingredients you use.  If there’s anything in them that you can’t pronounce without a chemistry reference, buy something else.
  • Cheap fruit makes experimentation more fun.  When you see a quart of blueberries for $4 at the farmer’s market, think PIE.
  • You can use white granulated table sugar, but exotic premium sugar at the ethnic grocery store will definitely make a difference.  I wish there were a standardized sweetness scale, but until that science is up another tech level, I prefer to use organic powdered sugar.  If you’re looking to reduce the sugar, you might try substituting about half the amount needed with a commercial sweetener substitute.  I haven’t done this, but there is diabetic friendly sugar substitute available.  Somebody also try a tablespoon of light unsulfured molasses and tell me how that goes.
  • In fruit pies, you can use cornstarch instead of instant (or flaked) tapioca, but the texture is boring.  The idea here is to thicken the filling so it will look good on your fork and cut in a nicer triangle.  In the cream pies, tapioca can probably be substituted for the corn starch, but the texture won’t be smooth.
  • Use real unsalted butter and actual lard for shortening.  Using these and cutting it into the flour with a pastry blender keeps the gluten fibers short, and not like pizza.  Use some muscle on this, when properly mixed you should not be able to distinguish any individual lumps of butter or lard.  Yes, you can buy lard in the store, it’s usually near the baking supplies, I usually see it in bricks or small white plastic tubs.  Lard does not contain trans fats, because trans fats were invented when people stopped using real animal fat.  If you’re worried about cholesterol, stop eating pie.  On the other hand, if you would rather sacrifice some taste, green mersh label zero trans-fat shortening bricks will work just fine.
  • Take your time rolling out the crust.  If you goof it, pick it up and do it again.  Roll it out, fold it over a few times, this makes it flaky.  If the bottom crust has a hole or seam, it will leak.  On top crust pies, seal and crimp the edges very high, it will spill, and make sure the steam vents in the top are big enough that they don’t seal up while cooking.
  • If you make a few pies and the next one suddenly seems… not difficult… you’re getting it.  There’s a reason they say ‘easy as pie’.  There’s definitely some arm work in blending and rolling the crust, but nothing else in these recipes is particularly difficult.  Maybe chocolate, chocolate is almost always difficult.

I’m currently experimenting with savory recipes… buffalo with potato, carrots, parsnips, rutabaga, basil, oregeno…. sausage with cheese, onions, green pepper, cayenne… beef with cream and rosemary.   I know the cherry and blueberry recipes work well (don’t skip the mace!).  I’m still perfecting the ‘citrus’ cream pies.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space - with PIES

Whaddaya gonna do with those pies, boys?

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also known as

the Stir-fry recipe (with pictures)

1 jar of “Thai Kitchen” green curry paste
1 can coconut milk
1 – 1 1/4 lbs of cheap chicken meat, white or dark
1 – 2 cups of rice
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 – 2 teaspoons turmeric

2 or more of the following:

a cup green beans, snow peas, or snap peas
a cup of green peas (give peas a chance)
a small yellow onion (or half of a large one)
a cup bamboo shoots (or a small can)
a cup water chestnuts (or a small can)
a cup of sliced eggplant (use small ones)
a bell pepper (any colour you like)
4 – 6 jalapeño or serrano peppers
3 – 4 large or 5 – 7 small carrots
a small rutabaga or potato
a large parsnip
a can of store-bought “stir fry vegetables”
a cup of broccoli or cauliflower
a cup of asparagus
a cup of any other vegetable (bokchoy, radicchio, parsley, broccoflower)
fresh or canned mushrooms

“Miller Farms” boneless skinless chicken thighs (still frozen), turmeric spice, red bell pepper, “Thai Kitchen” green curry paste, “Thai Kitchen” organic coconut milk, “La Choy” fancy mixed stir-fry vegetables, “Reese” bamboo shoots, “Reese” water chestnuts, a “Texas New” yellow onion, jalapeño peppers, green beans.  For these pictures, I used half of the onion, half of the jalapeños, and everything else except the three cans on the right.


Thaw the chicken if frozen.  Put the jar of curry paste in a wok or large saucepan, add the coconut milk.  Stir with spoon until mixed.  Chop chicken into bite sized pieces and add to the curry sauce in the wok.

left: a package of chicken, thawed in the microwave and sliced; right: chicken added to the curry and coconut milk, still pink and not yet cooked

Right now, before you do anything else, wash and scrub the cutting board and anything else that touched raw chicken.  The cutting board needs to be scrubbed with soap, rinsed, and then final rinsed with the hottest water that can come out of your tap.  No, I’m not kidding, get to it.

Start the rice.

Cook the chicken over medium heat stirring occasionally from the bottom to avoid burning.  Cover when not stirring to hold in the heat and ensure the chicken cooks properly.

the chicken is cooked, no pink left in it.  Don’t add the vegetables until it’s like this or you’ll have to overcook the veggies to finish cooking the chicken.  Undercooked chicken is a total bummer.

While the chicken is cooking, start chopping the vegetables.  The tougher veggies need a little longer to cook than the others, so if using carrots, parsnips, or rutabaga, chop them first.   Onions and eggplant cook pretty fast, add them last.

cutting up green beans, these are really healthy and cheap

When the chicken is obviously cooked, and the rice water is boiling, add the vegetables.  The vegetables will also give up some water when cooking, so it may look like it needs extra fluid at this point, but don’t add any.  Stir occasionally and cover in between.  Near the end of the cooking, add a tablespoon of brown sugar (optional).

left above: vegetables added; right: veggies cooking nicely

When the onions have become translucent, reduce or turn off heat until rice is finished.

left: stir fry is ready; right: rice is ready, this is a brown organic long grain American rice with a teaspoon of turmeric spice per cup of rice added for health properties, but also has a nice color

To serve, make a bed of rice on a large plate and add a large ladle or two of stir fry and sauce.  Makes 3 – 4 large plates.

Eat me.


  • I recommend Zojirushi rice cookers.
    I’ve seen comments on forums saying something like “Why would you spend that much when you can get brand X for less?”.  This is like comparing a Mercedes automobile to a rusty Datsun.  A Zojirushi Neuro-fuzzy will cook any rice absolutely perfectly every time and last for years, the model above is at least ten years old.  If you ever hesitated in making slow-cooked long grain rice because it was difficult in any way, you’ll need to see a Zojirushi work to believe it can be that easy.
  • The green curry paste is already pretty spicy, but adding a few jalapeno peppers will really put some heat in this recipe.  This usually cures my sinus headaches.
  • My favorite combination is chicken with onion, bell pepper, eggplant, brocoli or green beans, and white long grain rice with tumeric.
  • Other meats can be used.  Pork butt, shrimp (prawns), squid, and beef stew meat all work just fine.
  • I use a regional brand of chicken in a pack of 6 boneless chicken thighs.  It’s cheap and delicious.  Hint: After thawing it from frozen in the microwave, it will still be slightly frozen in a block.  It’s very easy to cut up when it’s like this.
  • I use a stainless steel wok that my wife got me for Christmas one year.  It sits on a small stand above a gas burner and works very well for me.
  • The vegetables can be pretty bland looking if they’re all green, use a red bell pepper to add some color if you’re serving this to others.

cat_supervision Everything is done better with Cat Supervision.

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"Brazorian Enchiladas" - before the ovenMy enchilada recipe is pretty much completed.  It took a while to work it all out, exchange the ingredients and such, get the assembly process figured out.

I’m originally from the area around the mouth of the Brazos river to the Gulf of Mexico.  I don’t live there now, but I never could quite find the right “home tastes” after relocation to Michigan.  Eventually I realized that I’d have to do it myself, and started with a basic recipe and expanded on it.  I’m not a purist, this doesn’t start out with “Step One, purchase a small ranch”, it uses canned and jarred foodstuffs.  The combination and assembly are really all I bring to it.  For lack of a better name, I dub thee the Brazorian Enchilada Casserole recipe.

1 to 1 1/2 pounds of lean ground red meat
garlic powder
salt and pepper
2 small or 1 large chopped sweet yellow onion (about 1 cup)
3 7-oz cans of diced green chili peppers (18 – 20 ounces total)
1 12-oz can of green enchilada sauce
1 to 1 1/2 pounds of shredded soft cheese (Chihuahua, Muenster or mild Cheddar)
large package of corn tortillas (NOT flour!)
1 12-oz can of red enchilada sauce
1 to 2 cups prepared salsa
1/4 cup butter

  1. Brown the beef in a large saucepan.  Sprinkle with garlic powder, salt, and pepper while browning.  Drain off the fat and recycle.
  2. Turn off the heat and add half of the chopped onion, all of the green chilis, and the can of green enchilada sauce.  Simmer on low heat for 15 – 20 minutes stirring occasionally.
  3. While the filling is simmering, coarse shred the cheese.
  4. Prepare a large casserole dish by coating lightly with butter, then apply 2-3 tablespoons of the canned red enchilada sauce to the dish and tip back and forth (or spread with a spatula) to coat the bottom.
  5. Melt some butter in a dish, and warm the package of corn tortillas.
  6. When the meat and chili filling is well blended, turn off the heat and take a break before you start assembly.  It’s important to simmer in order to mix the flavors in the beef and the chilis and the green sauce, but if it’s too hot when you perform the assembly, you’ll burn your hands.
  7. Place all of the ingredients on a counter so that you can easily access them: tortillas, bowl of melted butter, meat filling, cheese, chopped onion, salsa, and casserole dish.  Keep a rag or sponge handy for spills.
  8. Take one tortilla and use a spatula or brush to lightly coat one side with melted butter.  Hold in curve of hand and add (to the buttered side) a large spoonful or two of meat filling, a three finger pinch of cheese, a two-finger pinch of onion, and a spoonful of salsa.  Roll into a cylinder and place into casserole dish with seam down so that it’s weight holds it closed.  Repeat until dish is filled.  Use all of the meat filling and 2/3 to 3/4 of the cheese.
  9. Pour remainder of can of red enchilada sauce evenly over the top of the rolled tortillas, use spatula to ensure the red sauce gets in and around the sides of the dish and the tortillas.  Sprinkle on the rest of the cheese and onions.
  10. Bake at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes until cheese melts and sauce is bubbling.


  • Step 8, the assembly step, requires practice or at least some experience to get right.  The amount of the ingredients, the size of your casserole dish, and the size of the tortillas factor into how the dish will be assembled.  Use all the tortillas if you can, cram them in there.  It’s actually pretty hard to completely screw it up, so try your best and eat the rest.
  • Look for good quality corn tortillas with a coarse grind to the corn.  If it’s made from corn flour, it’s still corn, but the texture won’t quite be right.  Just say no to regular wheat flour tortillas, if it’s not CORN, it’s not a TORTILLA.
  • If the rolled enchiladas split after you put them into the dish (or worse, while still in your hand) heat them up a little more and use a little more butter to soften them up.  You can also paint on a little red sauce after it’s in the dish.  This isn’t important, it will still taste great.
  • Heart Smart warning: this will kill you
  • Spicy food warning: It’s not very spicy.  I use mild everything and feed this to womens and little kidses, but you can add fresh shredded jalapenos, hotter salsa, cayenne, chili powder or whatever else seems right if you feel so inclined.
  • Try reversing the sauces: Put the red sauce on the inside and the green on the outside.  Try all green or all red sauce.  Green inside and red outside was what I found to be the tastiest.
  • Use lean ground beef, buffalo, ostrich, or elk.  I’m sure other things will also work just fine… red snapper, gulf shrimp, and rattlesnake come to mind, but so far I’ve only tried beef and buffalo.
  • My favorite ingredients: “Zapata” brand Diced Green Chilis, “Hatch” brand enchilada sauce (both green and red), “Camacho Tortillas” (16 corn, 13 ounces), and buffalo from TMZ Farm in Pinckney, Michigan.
  • “La Victoria” sauce (green and red) comes in a big 19 ounce can, but that and a jar of cheap salsa work well
  • I do NOT recommend “Casa Fiesta” brand enchilada sauce
  • Try bison meat and Chihuahua cheese!

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Kinda sounds like your dog ate a crayon, eh?  PepsiCo, Inc. has released their latest open marketing contest winner… and I’m about to try it… so here is a first hand review of a new flavor of my favorite carbonated high-fructose corn syrup sweetened soft drink:

Tastes like Skittles.

I’m increasingly seeing Mexican Coca-Cola on store shelves in this area, much more “Refresco” if you ask me.  Real sugar makes a real difference.

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I got this from , the recipes page for … a dot-com bust joke from Motley Fool.  It not quite as funny as the recipe for Irish Booze Cake, but it’s pretty good.

Crazy Larry’s Hangover Cure

* 1 eMeringue pie top
* 2 apples
* 7 dozen eggs
* 10 saffron threads
* 1 cup cottage cheese
* 8 oz. tequila
* 1 London Broil
* 1/8 tsp. salt

For this recipe you will need a large clean table. Crack open eggs into mixing bowl. Discard shells. Whisk eggs lightly for 10 seconds. Slice apples in half. Remove skin. Remove seeds. Discard apples. Separate saffron threads into two piles of six and four. Whisk eggs for 10 more seconds. Marinate London Broil in tequila. Place a grain of salt onto each apple seed. Wrap seeds in apple skin. Fold cottage cheese into egg mixture. Pour into pockets. Drink meat-flavored tequila. Lie down on table. Use meringue as pillow. Place London Broil on face.

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7 Second Butt Blister Chili


Don’t Snow On ME Chili

1 Carroll Shelby Chili Kit (spice, masa flour, salt, cayenne)
3/4 cup chili powder, 1/2 cup corn flour, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp cayenne

2 – 3 lbs ground beef (you can substitute 1 lb for venison, buffalo, ostrich, lamb, turkey, or roadkill; use “coarse grind” from the butcher if you like chunky)
3 – 4 roma tomatoes
1 large green bell pepper
1/2 yellow onion (about 3/4 cup, more or less to taste)
8 oz can tomato sauce (not paste!)
1 bottle real beer or ale (not American Industrial Beer Product)
6 fresh jalapenos the size of your thumb
6 fresh seranos the size of your pinky

optional:a can of Rotel tomatoes and chilis, drained
optional:small can mushroom pieces, drained
optional:a few dried ancho, chipotle, and/or New Mexico chili pepper pods
optional:small can adobo sauce
optional:a clove or 3 of garlic

Brown the meats in a skillet with the can of adobo sauce (if used) and a little salt and pepper. Drain off the excess grease and throw the meats in a chili pot or crock pot with the tomato sauce. Crock pots are terrific for chili, it’s really hard to burn it. If you like the chili kinda chunky, chop the vegetables by hand, but it’s easier just to mix them in a blender or food processor. Chop the roma tomatoes, the bell pepper, onion, the mushroom pieces (drained) if used, jalapenos, and seranos, adding just enough beer to keep the mix fluid and moving. Use only real jalapenos and/or seranos, NOT jarred vinegar-soaked, they should have full color and firm flesh with white seeds (if the seeds are brown, they are starting to rot). If used, soak the dried pepper pods in the beer for a few minutes, and add the pepper pods last, they will be stiff but will soften up after soaking. Make sure they get chopped up enough. You can dump the seeds from the dried pepper pods and just use the pod skins if you want, the seeds can make the chili kind of ‘woody’ if you don’t chop them enough. Make all the veggie sauce in two batches if needed, pour the whole thing into the chili pot, and use the rest of the beer to wash the blender/processor into the pot.

Turn on the heat. Add the Carroll Shelby spice packet (the chili powder) and the cayenne. Mix completely, then stir every 15 minutes, more often if you’re not using a crock pot. It needs to heat completely to mix all the spice together, simmer at least as long as it takes for some of the beef grease to float to the top, and then at least another half hour or more. Add salt to taste. Add the packet of masa/corn flour right at the end to thicken, mix it in well. It should be thick enough to stick to the spoon, this is NOT a soup recipe. Makes about a half gallon to a gallon depending on how much extra stuff you threw in.

Serve alongside white rice, corn chips, and sharp cheddar cheese to mature consenting adults. “Ranch Style” brand beans are suggested as a side dish, but under NO circumstances should beans in any form be added directly to chili (this is NOT a soup recipe).

Fact: it cannot snow on you up to 15 minutes after eating a bowl of this chili, as the snow will instantly melt upon entering the sweltering heat waves which will be emanating from your head.

Tips: Season the meat before/during browning. Use a good beer for the base: Mexican Carta Blanca, United States Sam Adams, British Bass Ale, and other amber ales are good, but nothing too strong or heavy, Guiness is right out. Will almost certainly taste better the next day due to spices combining.

How to ruin this recipe: Add beans. Use Miller brand beer. Add Tabasco sauce. Use too much black pepper. Add habaneros or gasolene. Leave ammunition in the oven or on the stove. Email the president bragging that your chili will kill him.

Do not attempt to talk anyone into eating this who doesn’t want to… it just won’t work. Do not attempt to rationalize with anyone who doesn’t like it, just suggest that they don’t eat any more. What they don’t understand is their problem, as a master chili chef, it’s not your job to shovel tripe into little people. Your contribution to their cultural education, health, and inner beauty may go unappreciated. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. See Talking to Goldfish

NOTE: be careful with fresh hot peppers. Don’t touch your eyes, wear gloves if in doubt. You may have done it a dozen times before, but it’s still possible to have a spontaneous allergic reaction that will leave you in PAIN for hours sitting in an Emergency Room with your arms in a vat of cottage cheese and oatmeal. Err on the side of caution.

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