7 Second Butt Blister Chili

*aka*

Don’t Snow On ME Chili

1 Carroll Shelby Chili Kit (spice, masa flour, salt, cayenne)
OR
3/4 cup chili powder, 1/2 cup corn flour, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp cayenne

2 – 3 lbs ground beef (you can substitute 1 lb for venison, buffalo, ostrich, lamb, turkey, or roadkill; use “coarse grind” from the butcher if you like chunky)
3 – 4 roma tomatoes
1 large green bell pepper
1/2 yellow onion (about 3/4 cup, more or less to taste)
8 oz can tomato sauce (not paste!)
1 bottle real beer or ale (not American Industrial Beer Product)
6 fresh jalapenos the size of your thumb
6 fresh seranos the size of your pinky

optional:a can of Rotel tomatoes and chilis, drained
optional:small can mushroom pieces, drained
optional:a few dried ancho, chipotle, and/or New Mexico chili pepper pods
optional:small can adobo sauce
optional:a clove or 3 of garlic

Brown the meats in a skillet with the can of adobo sauce (if used) and a little salt and pepper. Drain off the excess grease and throw the meats in a chili pot or crock pot with the tomato sauce. Crock pots are terrific for chili, it’s really hard to burn it. If you like the chili kinda chunky, chop the vegetables by hand, but it’s easier just to mix them in a blender or food processor. Chop the roma tomatoes, the bell pepper, onion, the mushroom pieces (drained) if used, jalapenos, and seranos, adding just enough beer to keep the mix fluid and moving. Use only real jalapenos and/or seranos, NOT jarred vinegar-soaked, they should have full color and firm flesh with white seeds (if the seeds are brown, they are starting to rot). If used, soak the dried pepper pods in the beer for a few minutes, and add the pepper pods last, they will be stiff but will soften up after soaking. Make sure they get chopped up enough. You can dump the seeds from the dried pepper pods and just use the pod skins if you want, the seeds can make the chili kind of ‘woody’ if you don’t chop them enough. Make all the veggie sauce in two batches if needed, pour the whole thing into the chili pot, and use the rest of the beer to wash the blender/processor into the pot.

Turn on the heat. Add the Carroll Shelby spice packet (the chili powder) and the cayenne. Mix completely, then stir every 15 minutes, more often if you’re not using a crock pot. It needs to heat completely to mix all the spice together, simmer at least as long as it takes for some of the beef grease to float to the top, and then at least another half hour or more. Add salt to taste. Add the packet of masa/corn flour right at the end to thicken, mix it in well. It should be thick enough to stick to the spoon, this is NOT a soup recipe. Makes about a half gallon to a gallon depending on how much extra stuff you threw in.

Serve alongside white rice, corn chips, and sharp cheddar cheese to mature consenting adults. “Ranch Style” brand beans are suggested as a side dish, but under NO circumstances should beans in any form be added directly to chili (this is NOT a soup recipe).

Fact: it cannot snow on you up to 15 minutes after eating a bowl of this chili, as the snow will instantly melt upon entering the sweltering heat waves which will be emanating from your head.

Tips: Season the meat before/during browning. Use a good beer for the base: Mexican Carta Blanca, United States Sam Adams, British Bass Ale, and other amber ales are good, but nothing too strong or heavy, Guiness is right out. Will almost certainly taste better the next day due to spices combining.

How to ruin this recipe: Add beans. Use Miller brand beer. Add Tabasco sauce. Use too much black pepper. Add habaneros or gasolene. Leave ammunition in the oven or on the stove. Email the president bragging that your chili will kill him.

Do not attempt to talk anyone into eating this who doesn’t want to… it just won’t work. Do not attempt to rationalize with anyone who doesn’t like it, just suggest that they don’t eat any more. What they don’t understand is their problem, as a master chili chef, it’s not your job to shovel tripe into little people. Your contribution to their cultural education, health, and inner beauty may go unappreciated. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. See Talking to Goldfish

NOTE: be careful with fresh hot peppers. Don’t touch your eyes, wear gloves if in doubt. You may have done it a dozen times before, but it’s still possible to have a spontaneous allergic reaction that will leave you in PAIN for hours sitting in an Emergency Room with your arms in a vat of cottage cheese and oatmeal. Err on the side of caution.

2 Responses to “The chili recipe”
  1. As Rattan used to say, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink….but you can make it RUN!”

  2. One of the first culinary facts I learned when I lived in Texas, was that TEXAS CHILI HAS NO BEANS. It’s engraved in stone somewhere. Even though I don’t like chili (which is an understatement), I internalized the NO BEANS rule.

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